A woman from Anderson, California was chased down by police in her van. A van that is nearly impeccably painted to resemble the Mystery Machine from “Scooby Doo”. The woman was being pursued for a parole violation. She was on parole after a jury declared her “totally not so groovy man.” She violated parole when she tested positive for Scooby Snacks.
Miraculously, the woman did escape. She parked alongside the freeway and fled after leading the police on a chase that got up to over 100 miles per hour. She escaped before the gang could tie her up and reveal that she was really Old Lady Jones from the gas station down the road! It may just be my personal opinion but I’m sure the cops could have for sure gotten her if the gang had split up.
Her true identity is actually fifty one year old Sharon Turman, who’s still got it. While the police are still looking for her a spokesperson has issued a statement, “Ruh-roh!”
Jokes aside: This is an actual real news story that actually took place in America. This is the biggest story to really come out of California in the last month that didn’t have the Ku Klux Klan in the headline. This is what’s happening in news lately. That’s how bad it’s gotten. It’s clan members, presidential debate dick references, or Velma Dinkley. You’re either writing your fifth jab at how Donald Trump’s fingers are even smaller than a particularly large jelly bean like everyone else, or you try your hardest to find a story that less people are talking about but is still mildly interesting. So you end up with a fifty one year old woman who possibly has an unhealthy obsession with a cartoon that has more made-for-TV-movie versions of itself than America has ounces of dignity left at this point.
In conclusion, like, zoinks.