Charlie Sheen's, "Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is not an option" event held at The Massey Hall in Toronto, Canada.

Pictured: Charlie Sheen

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LAPD Begins Felony Threat Investigation Into Charlie Sheen

Not so good news regarding Charlie Sheen, America’s SweetHeart shaped tab of Molly—Although let’s be honest, that tablet is probably laced with whatever was laying around at the time and whatever Tiger Blood really is. The LAPD has begun a “felony threat investigation” on the actor turned walking, talking, and constantly screwing petri dish. The accusations pilling against Charlie are so immense they could lock away Charlie plus two and a half men for sixty plus years.

The investigation has been brought on by his ex fiance Scottine Ross. In addition to numerous accusations of violent outbursts and domestic abuse brought on by Sheen, Ross is battling in a civil suit against him for negligence for lying to her about his HIV positive status while they were engaged.

The accusations of abuse sound quite horrific. There were alleged cases of him threatening her life, beating her physically and verbally abusing her, and one specific instance where Ross claims she found a text message Sheen had written wherein he announced that “a hit” had been placed on her ex husband.

This all sounds too horrible, and at the same time too believable. I mean, Charlie Sheen was once the highest paid actor on television during his numerous seasons on Two And Half Men. This of course ended when he used anti semitic slurs toward the show’s creator, who then actually did place a hit on “Charlie” and had his character killed off the show.

Then he went briefly nuts, ranting over “tiger blood” and how he was “winning” during which he was inching towards his (let’s face it, somewhat inevitable) HIV diagnosis. A diagnosis that has been treated profoundly positively using remedies discovered in Mexico by Dr. Sam Chachoua, who even injected himself with Sheen’s blood. Then Charlie went on to start hanging out with Dr. Oz, gained support from HBO’S Girls creator Lena Dunham, and in between all that even found time to join snapchat for some reason.

Good God, at this point all these horrible accusations against Charlie Sheen seem insanely plausible because what in God’s name isn’t possible for Charlie Sheen?! There could be reports tomorrow saying that Charlie Sheen has fled the LAPD in a hot air balloon packing nothing but 78 pounds of cocaine and live zebra, and people would probably shrug and go, “Well that’s Charlie for you.”

He’s a funny character. An insane, crazed goon that you see in cartoons—only scarier because he has billions of dollars and actually exists. He’s like if a wizard made Donald Trump’s actual brain personified but there was a glitch in the spell that made him an addict with aspergers and decent acting skills.

But just because Charlie is such a larger than life joke doesn’t mean that this serious case is one either. There is a real human being involved who is certainly traumatized. Even if these allegations are somehow proved false she was still living with this guy for years, that’s got to be worth some money in court. So let’s hope she gets everything she is going to need, because she’s going to need a lot of expensive therapy. Hopefully the court will force Charlie to pay her in full, and in rolled up coke dusted one hundred dollar bills.

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